I have had a lifetime of mental health disorders I have not gotten diagnosed with these yet, but I am pretty sure I have them. If I am ever proven wrong, then I will be the first to admit it. I will be discussing the disorders in this chapter for many reasons; one is because I want people to be informed about the facts about mental illness. People who are not informed call people who are mentally ill names, and think it is all just a big joke. So I am here to say I do not fine mental health or disorders funny one bit, and I want nothing to do with these people who r so sick to think it is funny. I will block them from my real life and on twitter if they contact me.
Anyway I am going to start this discussion talking about Bipolar Disorder and Depression. Bipolar Disorder and Bipolar Depression runs in my family. Besides for me, one of my grandmother’s is bipolar, she is the only person in my family who I know has it. She got diagnosed a few years ago. Before she got diagnosed I always knew my grandma was bipolar because she would act totally different at times. One minute she would b laughing and having a good time, the next she would be yelling and pissed off over the smallest little thing. One time she even pulled a knife on someone in the family just because they tickled her. That was scary, but no one got hurt.
Another time My Uncle tony was messing with my grandma teasing her and shit like that, she kept telling him to stop over and over, he never did so she threw a big fork at him. The fork stuck him in the back, and hurt him badly, 911 was not called because she took the fork out of his back herself. That is how my mom told me the story, and she said I should call my grandma to clarify but for now we will just stick to this.
I am not sure when I myself knew I had bipolar disorder; But I do know that when you’re bipolar, you can have unexplained break downs that can happen without any reason at all. It makes you confused a lot, because you cannot think clearly, and u misjudge people and places. When you’re bipolar you have to take each day one step at a time, and you have to pace yourself which is hard as hell when your mind is always racing. You also have unexplained mood swings that make your life shitty. I also think my bipolar disorder caused my bad hand writing too as a kid.
From the time I was in elementary school to the end of high school I would write notes down and it would look like chicken starch, so my teachers and family could not read it and would ask me to write it over again. I used to get so mad because I was sick of writing it over and over, and sometimes I would get a attitude that got me in trouble. So I had bad hand writing and a smart month, jeez life sucked. I am a little better with my hand-writing now though, since I stay calm and focused with meditation.
I also have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder [OCD] and I have had it all my life. I have to be around stuff I love 24/7 365 days a year or I get very stressed out. The first things I remember going OCD over were Books and Magazines. I learned how to read at four years old, and I read tabloids newspapers and storybooks all the time. My favorite places to go were libraries and bookstores around Columbus, Ohio. My home’s away from home! I really thought the tabloids I was reading were being truthful about everything they wrote about, and that they always told the truth about people in Hollywood.
Then I realized how wrong I was for many years, even though the whole time I read them my mother kept telling me they were lies. Not everything they write is lies, only half. My grandma Penny read them too, and that’s when my obsession with tabloid started, when I would steal her copies and read them. I still read them today as much as I can.
At the same time, my obsession with TV shows started. The very first show I watched was Roseanne, and I watched for all the season’s 1-9, which ended in 1997 when I was nine. I still watch the reruns. I also loved watching the talk shows of the time, and I would watch them with my two grandmas’ [my mom’s mother, and my dad’s mother.] me and my nana, who is my mom’s mom also watched soap operas too; Luke and Laura were my favorite soap stars! Today I am addicted to HLN, and Free Speech TV. I love watching The Thom Hartmann Show, and Democracy Now! Love watching Nancy Grace on HLN. I am also obsessed with Forensic shows, people tell me I should b a forensic scientists because I know so much about forensic science.
I hate germs and wash my hands 15 times a day. I do not like shaking hands; when I do have to shake hands, I wash my hands right after I am done. I’d rather hug someone or do the fists pump instead of shake hands, but men always get mad at me when I give them a fist pump, because they are obsessed with shaking hands after they scratch their balls. LOL! I love shaking someone’s hands if they r clean though. Because of my fear of germs, I also do my best to wipe down every door knob in my house, and everything I touch in the house too. My boyfriend Marc is also OCD.
I had issues with PTSD for many years. PTSD stands for Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder, and It started after my former step-dad Rick started being mentally abusive towards me and my mother. He was not always like that, and was nice to mom and I for years. I am not sure what triggered him to change, maybe a chemical imbalance? Only he knows that answer. He would call us names, and one time he even flicked me on the back of my head when he saw me rocking back and forth on the couch. I told my mom that he flicked me on the back of the head, but all she said was you know we do like you rocking, now quit rocking. She never confronted him or anything; at least I don’t think so. I do not remember really.
After he stated being abusive and after he flicked me like that, I always feared him, and did not like being around me for anything at anytime. My mom would make me b nice to him but inside my mind I hated him, and even gave him the evil eye a lot. One time when my mother was trying to teach me how to swim, he threw me into a swimming pool knowing that I did not know how to swim. I never learned how to swim after that, because it would flash me back to that day. I still do not know how. Mom did yell at him for that one.
My mom made excuses for him most of the time he mistreated us, and that made me more depressed, having no one to turn to in that house for support. Mom and I were under the mind control of Rick, and I wanted out.
Mom finally asked rick for divorce, but he would not give it to her. I think he thought he could control us like his friend Satan, for the rest of our lives. Then the house we lived in caught on fire on July 4th 1999, and it was like something out of a Hollywood movie. The fire started in the garage, and worked its way to the second floor. Mom and I were returning from my birthday party with family, as I was turning eleven. Rick left a note on the kitchen table that mom and I found when we walked in the door saying he was golfing, but mom knew he was really cheating on her as he had before.
Long story short Mom and I made it out alive with our pet dog we had named precious, but we lost everything else we had including pet hamsters. We had nothing but the clothes on our back. Mom thought then, and still thinks today that rick started the fire, but there is no evidence of that, the fire fighters said it was bad wiring in the garage. Anyway that fire made my PTSD hit a all-time high, and I would get nightmares and have really bad flashbacks when I saw any type of fire on the news or in person. I could not go to any type of Japanese restaurants because they cooked the food in front of you.
One of my grandpa’s also has PTSD. He got his from being in the Vietnam War. He sometimes has nightmares and gets depressed over things he did in the war, like kill innocent children. My grandpa takes medication for his PTSD, but Meditation helped me get cured after years of meditating. My grandfather claims he is not the meditating kind, but I think if he gave it a shot he would feel better. A lot of vet’s r not told about meditation, and I think that needs to change. Meditation over medication for vets everywhere!
ADD stands for Attention Deficit Disorder, and I know I have it because I am a show-off and as is everyone in my family. ADD has its good times and bad times; I love the good moments the best. I love being funny and crazy like I really am. LOL! I love dancing around my house, and singing at the top of my lungs PEOPLE HAVE THE POWER! PEOPLE HAVE THE POWER! That song is made by Patti smith. I love making people laugh too, by making faces and being a smart ass. I used to get smacked in the mouth by my mother, and grandmothers’ for being a rude smart ass though.
I think the worst disorder I have ever had is DID. DID stands for Dissociative Ideality Disorder. Also known as SPD Split Personally Disorder. I am not sure when this started; I think after my rape. But I always felt like two other people lived inside me. I would think say or do something using different names and then forget it ever happen. At first it would happen without warning and I would just disassociate, everyone would tell me what I did but I would have no memory doing it. This happen for years. Then when I finally knew who they were, we became friends. I have two ppl inside me. I did not choose to have this disorder; and it is not something I made up. That is what people who do not understand this disorder says and it is A LIE! I am intergraded from DID with meditation, but they r still a part of me.